Jan 30, 2015

Sherlock Deductions


Life is too short to re-watch a television show.  Well, unless it's Sherlock.



If you're not familiar with the show, it's a British drama that modernizes Conan Doyle's famous mysteries.  It's brilliantly written and popular enough to make Benedict Cumberbatch famous.  I've been re-watching episodes of Sherlock over the past few weeks.  It's good to distract myself from all the working out I do.

Before and after pictures of me.
Anyway, one of the famous bits about Sherlock Holmes (that they do brilliantly in the show) is his ability to observe people and deduce things about them.  I always liked those parts, so I tried to write one.  Here goes:



INT. SHERLOCK AND JOHN'S FLAT - DAY

SHERLOCK, churlish, stands looking out a window at the street
below. WATSON sits in his chair, pretending to read the
paper but secretly watching Sherlock.

Finally, John can't take the tension anymore.

JOHN
Look, is this still about the
scarf.

Sherlock turns from the window, but says nothing.

JOHN (CONT'D)
I just moved it to a different
hook.

SHERLOCK
I put my scarf there every night.

JOHN
I moved it three inches to the
left.

SHERLOCK
"A place for every thing and
everything in its place."

JOHN
Now you're quoting American
ministers at me? You must be
angry.

SHERLOCK
Sometimes even the Church gets
things right.

Sherlock crosses the room and sits in his chair.

SHERLOCK (CONT'D)
You're doing this one.

JOHN
What?

SHERLOCK
New client coming up the stairs.
You're doing it this time.

JOHN
What? No.

SHERLOCK
"Stop showing off, Sherlock."
"Nobody is impressed by your parlor
tricks, Sherlock."

JOHN
Christ sake, I moved it one hook
over.

There's a knock at the door.

SHERLOCK
Come in.

Chris, wrapped in a thick coat, hat, and gloves enters. He
has a raspy, but high voice.

CHRIS
Mr. Holmes? (He nods.) I'm Chris
Shenwick. I was wondering if you
could help me. I have... I have a
problem.

SHERLOCK
Do sit down.

Chris opens his coat, revealing a large chest, but slight
frame.

SHERLOCK (CONT'D)
No, stop. Don't remove your gloves
or hat just yet. Please sit down
and let my colleague Dr. Watson
deduce what he can about you.

JOHN
Sherlock!

Chris smiles.

CHRIS
Oh, I've heard about this. You're
famous for figuring things out
about a person by the way they sit
and the like.

SHERLOCK
Yes, only I'm training my assistant
in it. It's much like the animal
trainer at a circus would teach a
poodle to juggle, only instead of
doggie treats I reward John by
doing the washing up.

JOHN
You never do the washing up.

SHERLOCK
Which gives you some idea of how
well it's going.

John crosses his arms, angrily.

CHRIS
Oh, come on, please. I was looking
forward to it.

Sherlock waits. John gives in.

JOHN
(whispering to Sherlock as
he gets up)
You could have just moved it back!

John walks over to Chris. He leans forward, examining his
face closely, inhaling deeply. He steps back and tilts his
head from side to side, looking at him one way and then
another. Finally he backs up and sits down next to Sherlock.

SHERLOCK
Well? What do you observe?

JOHN
Chris is pale, has very little
facial hair apart from a wispy
moustache, and walks with a wide
gait. His chest is unusually
large, while the rest of him is
slim. He smells of whiskey, which
covers the faint aroma of perfume,
a woman's perfume.

SHERLOCK
Good, good. So, what can you
deduce?

JOHN
Chris hit puberty late. I'm
guessing he's around 15. Judging
from the wideness of his stance,
and how much he works out his
chest, I'm guessing-

SHERLOCK
Deducing.

JOHN
Deducing he's trying to act older,
more masculine. It obviously
works, as he was able to buy
whiskey and, judging from the
perfume, gain the attentions of a
lady.

Chris's eyes are wide with shock. Sherlock smiles thinly.

SHERLOCK
That's good. Very good. However,
you completely missed the razor.

JOHN
Razor? (to Chris) You've got a
knife?

SHERLOCK
No, Occam's Razor. It's a
theoretical concept. In lay terms,
it means "the simplest answer is
usually correct."

JOHN
I don't-

SHERLOCK
Woman's perfume. Slightly wider
hips. No facial hair. Miss
Shenwick, would you mind removing
your hat?

JOHN
Miss?

Chris removes her hat, revealing a cascade of long, brown
hair.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Oh. Oh my God. I am so... So
sorry.

Chris touches her upper lip self-consciously.

CHRIS
I didn't get around to waxing this
week.

SHERLOCK
And that is why our dishes are so
sparkly clean.

JOHN
Chris. Short for Christine.

CHRIS
(slightly pleased)
You really think I'm slim with a
big chest?

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