The Future Is Now

As we all know, in the movie Back to the Future (Part 2), the main characters travel to the future to...

Uh... 

I dunno.  Something about Lea Thompson getting breast implants.  The last two movies were weak on plot.

Anyway, the interwebs are all aflutter with talk of what BttF2 (there's an embarrassing acronym) got wrong.  No, we don't have flying cars, holograms, or electronic Ronald Reagans serving drinks at bars.  Don't give up hope, though, we do have some pretty amazing things:

We have a permanent space station.

No, not that cool one.  This one that looks like something you'd use to till your garden.

We're experimenting with warp drive.

Although, it's based on the theory there's something called "exotic matter" which we haven't discovered or proven to exist yet.  Also, it's called the Alcubierre drive, so people will be flying around at 3 Alcubes instead of Warp Factor 3.

I'm brilliant, but have a lame name.

Yeah, not nearly as cool.  If anyone has Mr. Alcubierre's phone number, can you call and ask him to change his last name to Warp?  Thanks.

There's 3d printers and games that watch you move instead of using controllers and ubiquitous pornography and internets and cell phones.  Those aren't all that surprising.  You go back in time to the 1950s and tell them you can ask a question into your phone and get an answer back and they'll shrug and point at a library.

No if you really want to blow their minds, tell them about milk and eggs.  Yeah, go back and read that again.  Milk and eggs.

Dig this: we can store milk at room temperature for weeks and still drink it safely.  I know, right?!  Sounds crazy.  However, there are these things called tetra packs.  They're just pasteurized milk in a cardboard box, but they're still safe to drink.

Still creepy if you think about the animal it came from, though.

There's something even crazier: pasteurized shell eggs.  Yeah, the name is a little strange.  For a while, I was confused.  Are they pasteurized inside the shell?  Are the shells pasteurized but not the rest of them?  Are they eggs in pasteurized bullets?

It seems there's this one company that takes eggs, puts them in a warm water bath to kill off the salmonella and BAM!  Eggs that last 67 days in the refrigerator and you can eat raw.

Mmmm!  Albumen.

Remember when you could make a cake or cookies and lick the beaters?  You can do that again!  Without vomiting and being admitted to a hospital!*

Take that Star Trek!

Maybe the yellow cubes are raw yolk.

If you went back in time to the 1950s and tell them we can drink warm milk and eat raw eggs they'd...  Well, they'd probably take a long drag on their cigarettes on their asbestos cigarette holders and say "We do that all the time."

Never mind.

* Unfortunately, PSE's (a better acronym than BttF2) aren't available everywhere and the company's website is out of date, but if you call them they're more than happy to point you to a nearby store that sells them.  And they'll send you coupons.  They're nice guys.

Myth Adventures, the Movie

Myth Adventures are comedic fantasy novels created by Robert Asprin.  They're clever, funny, and were extremely popular for several decades.  The fact that nobody has made a film out of them continues to blow my mind.

Here's the premise: Skeeve is an amateur magician apprenticed to a powerless demon.  They set out to save the world (and make a quick buck) along with a beautiful, green-haired, troll assassin; a handsome but painfully ignorant demon hunter; and Skeeve's immature pet dragon.  Along the way, they visit bizarre, bazaar worlds; swindle Imps and Deveeels; get executed; and confront serious evil (or, at least, total nuttiness).

How can Hollywood resist?

There's already been dozens of books and comic books, and games.  However, the part of the original book that grabs me the most comes in the first chapter and tends to get left out of the adaptations: Skeeve learning magik.  My hope is that, when someone inevitably makes a movie or tv show, they keep it in.

Just to show how it could be done, I've written it up in screenplay format.

               EXT. SMALL CLEARING - NIGHT

               The woods surround a ROUGH HUT with a single window.  Inside,
               lit by a few candles on tall candlesticks, SKEEVE the
               apprentice (a scrawny, eager-faced boy) is waving his arms
               about frantically.



               INT. ROUGH HUT - DAY

               SKEEVE is still waving his arms, while being watched by
               GARKIN (a tall man with a salt and pepper beard and rich
               clothes), who is eating the leg of a roast animal, a cross
               between a turkey and a lizard.

               Skeeve directs his motions at a single, white feather, which
               floats through the air following his gestures.  The effort of
               moving the feather is taking quite a toll on him; he's
               sweating and red-faced.

               He brings the feather to rest on the pages of an ancient book
               sitting on a table.  With a sigh of relief, he claps his
               hands together and the book snaps shut on the feather like a
               crocodile.

               Skeeve turns to Garkin, hoping for approval.

                                   GARKIN
                         A trifle showy, but effective. 
                         That's the first time you've
                         managed to get the feather into the
                         book.

                                   SKEEVE
                         I've been practicing.

                                   GARKIN
                             (raising an eyebrow)
                         Have you?

               He stands and extends the animal leg.  Skeeve reaches out to
               take it, but Garkin puts the leg down with the rest of the
               roast.

               He walks past Skeeve and picks up one of the candles.  He
               blows it out and places it in front of Skeeve.

                                   GARKIN (CONT'D)
                         Let's see you light the candle,
                         then.

               Skeeve sighs sadly.

                                   SKEEVE
                         Garkin, it occurs to me I could
                         concentrate better on a full
                         stomach.

                                   GARKIN
                         Skeeve, it occurs to me you're
                         stalling.

               Skeeve stares forlornly at the unlit candle.  Garkin paces
               around him and the candle in a circle.

                                   SKEEVE
                         It's just that I've never been able
                         to-

                                   GARKIN
                         Negative thought.  Stop it.

               Skeeve takes a deep breath and concentrates.

                                   SKEEVE
                         I will light the candle this time. 
                         I will light it because there is no
                         reason I shouldn't.

               A sepia-toned image appears of a strong man proudly pushing a
               plow.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         My father has a farmer's bond with 

                         the earth.  Like him, I tap the 
 strength of the earth.

               The image turns to a beautiful woman reading a book.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         My mother was an educated woman. 
                         The knowledge she gave me is like a
                         lens, letting me focus.

               Now Garkin appears, taller and more handsome than the real
               one.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         My teacher is a master magician. 
                         His wisdom directs my efforts. I will 
                         light this candle.

               The candle remains unlit.  Skeeve is sweating, clenched.

                                   GARKIN
                         Don't tense.  Don't try to force
                         it.  Let the energies pass freely.

               Skeeve takes a deep breath again and relaxes.  He reaches a
               finger out then drops it.

                                   SKEEVE
                         I can't do it.

                                   GARKIN
                         Negative thought.  Stop it.

                                   SKEEVE
                         I will light the candle.  My
                         father-

                                   GARKIN
                             (slapping him on the back
                              of the head)
                         No!  Negative thought.  Don't rely
                         on others for your strength.

                                   SKEEVE
                             (fed up)
                         I will light the candle because I
                         am Skeeve.

               Embers of light appear underneath his skin and crawl randomly
               over him like ants on a hill.  His voice echoes slightly.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         I am Skeeve.  I am stronger than
                         any of them.

               The image of his father reappears, this time in muted colors. 
               Now his father is whipping a Skeeve who is pushing a plow. 
               Skeeve hits him and runs away.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         My father tried to chain me to a
                         plow.

               The image of the mother reappears, now severe, ugly, cold. 
               She's raps Skeeve's knuckles, then clutches at her chest and
               collapses.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         My mother died a heartless monster.

               Garkin appears, talking to Skeeve, who looks past him at a
               golden statue on a table.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         Garkin is a gullible fool who took
                         a thief for an apprentice.  I have
                         beaten them all.

               The images disappear.  Now it's just Skeeve and the candle. 
               Skeeve points at the candle again and the embers of light
               flow down his arm.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         I am Skeeve.  I will light the
                         candle.

               He drops his hand.

                                   SKEEVE (CONT'D)
                         It doesn't even matter if I light
                         this candle.  I am Skeeve.  I am
                         powerful.

               The candle ignites.  Then it flickers and goes out.  Garkin,
               standing behind him, grabs Skeeve's shoulders with
               excitement.

                                   GARKIN
                         Excellent, lad!

               Then all emotion drains from his face.  He punches Skeeve
               hard in the ear, knocking him from his chair.

                                   SKEEVE
                             (clutching his ear)
                         What was that for?

                                   GARKIN
                         I thought so!  You still want to be
                         a thief.  You want to use my magiks
                         to steal!

That only took me a few minutes to write.  I could probably crank out a screenplay in a week or two. Hey, Hollywood!  Call me! 

Relationship Wishes

I created a hypothetical question, I want you to think about.

The Setup
Imagine your spouse, or your partner, or whomever you've loved the most.  You've been married for a while.  Maybe you've just been in a relationship for a long time.  Don't imagine some perfect partner who looks into your eyes with fawning affection.  Imagine your real partner.  If you aren't with anyone right now, imagine you're with the partner you loved the most.

After years together, you truly appreciate your partner's flaws.  Maybe he's lazy.  Maybe she's always sad.  He's gotten old and fat.  She snores like a volcano.  You know what drives you crazy; pick that.

The Inciting Incident
You buy something at a store, or maybe a garage sale.  It's an antique lamp just like in the old Aladdin cartoons.  Maybe it's a piece of antique jewelry you got for almost nothing.  An old record, a gold box, a rare coin, it doesn't matter.

Point is, your partner finds it, you pay, and you take it home together. Your partner holds it up and blows off a little dust.

That's when the genie pops out.

The Genie
Yeah, it's a genie.  Just like in the cartoons.  It looks like smoke and has no legs.  It's blue (or red, or whatever you want to imagine); it speaks with a middle-eastern accent and makes jokes like Robin Williams.

The problem is, it has been waiting around for so long, its powers have weakened.  It only has one wish left, and it goes to your partner who blew off the dust.  Also, since you bought it together, your partner can only make a wish about you.  In short, your partner can make one of two wishes:

1. Change you into the person your partner dreams of.
2. Replace you with someone perfect for them.

Remember all those flaws your partner had?  You have flaws, too, and they bother your partner as much as his or hers bother you.  Think about that for a moment.

Your Flaws
What does your partner hate the most about you? Are you too obsessed with work?  Are you having trouble losing weight?  Are you short?  Old?  Slow?  Dumb?  Poor?  Too liberal?  Too conservative?  Do you drink too much?  Does your partner hate your friends?

What would your partner change about you?  More important (really the point of all this), do you consider that flaw a fundamental part of who you are?  Would you still be you if you'd had different parents or didn't care about the state of the country?

Your partner glances at you out of the corner of an eye, and you realize what the wish is going to be.  It makes you uncomfortable.

The Catch
At this point, the genie leans over and whispers into your ear.

"There's one more catch," it says.  "Since you share the wish, you get to choose which kind of wish it will be.  You choose if you get changed or if your partner gets someone else."

The Choice
It's down to two choices for you:

Choice #1
You let your partner change you into someone diferent.  Maybe it's something small, like being younger, or taller, or richer, or healthier.  Maybe it's something that would turn you into a different person: more devout, less political, more devoted to your relationship, less interested in your hobby.

You get to be with your love, but it's not exactly you anymore.

Choice #2
You leave, and watch your beloved, flawed partner fall in love with someone else.  Someone perfect in a way you can't ever be.  Your partner is happy.  You're alone.

But you're still you.

The Question
Well?  What do you pick?  Why?

I Hate BLANKing. I Love Having BLANKed.

Dorothy Parker is famous for...  Er.  Something about a table?  I dunno.  Has anyone really read anything she ever wrote?  Whoever she was, she once said:

I hate writing.  I love having written.

Which is a very true statement for many writers.  Writing is deeply painful.  Here's a picture of a writer, working on a novel:

And here he is again, after finishing:

I was thinking how Dorothy's phrase was useful for other things than writing. For example:

I hate working out.  I love having worked out.

Because working out feels like this:

And afterwards, you get an endorphin rush and big muscles and feel like this:

Or, how about:

I hate having children.  I loved having children.

Okay, doesn't make a lot of sense until you consider the two senses of the phrase "having children."

Dorothy's expression works for so many different situations I wonder if  ghosts say it to each other.

I hated living.  I love having lived.

Yeah, don't live like that.  Enjoy the moment.

RIP Nexus 4

My phone died over the weekend.  It was killed by a Motorola car charger that didn't like it very much.  Now phoneless, I feel sympathy for Sauron from Lord of the Rings, who put all his powers into a small item that destroyed him when it was destroyed.

(Sauron and I have a lot in common, btw. We both went to Carnegie Mellon University, we both dated women who turned into monsters, we both think Orcs are cool, etc.)

Anyway, in honor of my dear, departed Nexus 4, I post this compilation of pictures I took with it.  Sometimes, I snap pictures of things I find amusing, but never get around to making full blog posts out of them.  Here's what I took:

I found this model at the local Michael's. "Hey, kids!  You want to look cool like detectives Crockett and Tubbs?" I guess Hobby Lobby isn't the only craft store that's out of touch with modern culture.  

This herbal remedy is supposed to help with your heart, but (from the name) I'm guessing they're trying to compete with Viagra.

Evidence that Trader Joe's is a front for a crystal meth operation.

My son made this tank out of items in our kitchen.  On the one hand, I admire his ingenuity.  On the other, I had to demolish it to make dinner.

Seems like an ad for people with ADD.  "You should really save energy POPCORN because the environment POPCORN needs your help."

I took this picture on the school playground.  Someone's note/napkin fell out of his or her lunchbox, probably while the kid was running.

Someone was selling magic, protective amulets.  Apparently, Judaism protects you from earthquakes.

Someone's bumper sticker against the NSA.  Thing is, if you use an old-style, rotary phone like shown in this picture, the NSA is probably ignoring you.  If not, this sticker will totally make them back off.

Underside of my Revere Ware pot.  The copper discolored in a cool way.  Once, I accidentally left a similar pot on the stove for hours and found the whole thing glowing these colors.  Then the ceramic cooktop of the stove cracked in half.

A water bottle from my son's school we put in the bottom rack of the dishwasher.  Actually, it's a good representation of how I feel about our recent agreement with the school district.

This tiny tree had grown one, GIANT lemon.  I see it as a metaphor for something in life.  Parenthood?  Unbalanced lifestyle?  Bad eating habits?  You be the judge.

The rubber thing on the left is an eraser shaped like a robot I had since I was a kid (named BRAK).  I noticed his face is eerily similar to the Telltale Games logo.  My lawyer tells me this means Telltale owes me money for copyright infringement.  Who am I to argue with a litigious old man in a Dodge Rambler?

My art installation: racism as told through the medium of biscuits.

Went to go see Edge of Tomorrow starring Tom Cruise.  The sign above the theater said "Edge of Tom," which was a very accurate review of the film.

Found this in the candy aisle of Office Depot.  That's right, if you want candy, they'll send some guy over to your house with it.  I think we could quickly bankrupt the store with this policy.

Goodbye, old phone.  I shall miss you.  Well, until my new one arrives and I get text messages again.  Sheesh, where do they go, anyway?  Is that YOU stealing them, NSA?!

How to Read a News Article

This is how most people read news articles:

How I read a news article.

Dr. Horrible 2?

Okay.

Okay, so I got this strange email.  I mentioned it in the last two blog posts and hoping someone would say "Hey, I sent that!  Just kidding, sucker!" but it didn't happen.  So, I decided, what the heck, I'm going to post it.

It's a synopsis for Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.  Part two.

If you haven't seen Dr. Horrible, you've missed out on a phenomenon.  It was created by Joss Whedon and Friends during the writer's strike of aught eight and chronicles the life of a humorous (eponymous) supervillain and his attempts to join a supervillain group and woo the woman of his dreams.

If you haven't seen it, you should.  It's free.  Watch it now.  Seriously.  I'll wait.

Dr. Horrible is (except for one badly directed song) kinda perfect  in a Greek tragedy kind of way.  It really doesn't need a sequel, but I'd love to see one anyway.  I figured I never would because, although Whedon and Friends keep dropping hints about making it, it's been eight years.

Eight years.  That's "never going to happen" territory.

So I get this email from one of those fake email addresses that's made up of all the consonants in the alphabet strung together with a .com at the end.  I've tried to email back, but just get bounce messages.

Legally, I don't know if this is something I can post.  Is it stolen work?  Is it fan fiction.

Ah heck with it.  Here's what I was sent.

Note: It seems NPH = Neil Patrick Harris, DH1 = Doctor Horrible 1, CH = Captain Hammer, ELE = Evil League of Evil, and BH = Bad Horse.

ACT I
Open: CH sitting in a couch by a therapist.  He wails into the camera reminiscent of NPH's opening laugh from DH1. 

The Hero I Used To Be- Backstory montage from DH1 in CH's skewed perspective. 

Explains to therapist he's been in hiding because NPH has been trying to kill him.  Therapist pulls off mask, revealing NPH.  As NPH charges up weapon (Prop: sword with lights, NOT like lighsaber!), CH jumps out of window. 

NPH turns to camera and explains to audience he didn't think CH would jump twenty stories.  Shot of CH face down in destroyed pavement below.  Gets call from Moist on cell phone. 

Moist (Prop: Moist needs an absurd costume) leads the ELE now.  ELE is down to Fake TJ, Dead Bowie, and any of the others who are free during shooting). 

Moister Than You- Exposition of NPH defeating BH and taking over ELE, before leaving Moist in charge. 

NPH explains he still needs to "get Hammer."  Looks at picture of Penny he carries around (Prop: high tech locket, alternate: SFX).  Runs downstairs to find CH is gone. 

"Balls." 

ACT II
NPH working on figure in his lab under a sheet (ala Bride of Frankenstein).  Gets text from BH. 

Gunfight at the BadHorse Corral - BH Singers read letter of challenge to NPH for control of ELE.  Song ends with them asking if he's brave enough to reply. 

NPH uses gun to shoot one of the BH Singers in mid song.  Others run away. 

I'm Gonna Nail You Next - NPH recounts several attempts to catch CH. 

NPH grabs Death Ray and goes to fight BH.  Pull back to reveal CH is watching the blog video gleefully. 

Challenge in the Park- Reporters recount fight between BH and NPH. 

BH stomps NPH.  NPH is revealed to be Moist in disguise.  NPH catches CH who is watching from the crowd. 

CH with NPH in lab next to experiment. CH is wired to various devices.  Pleads for life.

I'm Gonna Nail You Now - Reprise.  NPH pulls lever. 

Bride of Frankenstein revealed to be Penny, who wakes up. 

ACT III
Laundry Day Forever- NPH takes a shaky Penny out for a walk.  Reveals he's a villain.  She's entranced, but stumbles in front of oncoming truck. 

Penny is fine.  NPH has been chasing CH to get a sample of his invulnerability DNA.  Now she's alive again, strong, and can't die.  Takes Penny to a restaurant where they are treated as royalty because of NPH.  She notices a homeless man (Can we get our "hero bum" back?  Call his agent.) tries to enter the restaurant and is forced out. 

I'm Not Evil Like You- Penny leaves restaurant with homeless guy. 

At homeless shelter, Penny finds CH.  Finally connects with him.  He persuades her to team up with him. 

Hammer and Tongs- Montage of CH and Penny defeating the ELE, and NPH! 

NPH sitting in front of camera doing blog.  He has a black eye, missing teeth.  Suddenly smiles. 

"She's alive." 

THE END

My reaction?  It's kinda bad, isn't it?  I don't know what the Whedon and Friends process is, but this would have to be a waaaaaay early draft.  Or it is, as I said earlier, a fake.  However, let's face it, if you were sending someone fanfic, why send it to my blog.  I literally have like six readers!

What do you both think?

7 Emoticons the Internet Really Needs

Emoticons have been around since the dawn of the internet and probably longer.  Since then, they have multiplied and evolved with blistering speed.  Emoticons exist for every possible emotional state, flag, sports team, and every pet; there are hidden emoticons and even a secret sexual meaning for each emoticon.

"Bring lubricant next time."

However, even with the wide variety of emoticons out there, many common emotions and thoughts aren't represented.  I have attempted to fulfill that need, with helpful pictures (in case graphic artists want to convert them into real emoticons).

So, without further ado:


1. 

You're a science-fearing moron.

2. 

Your deeply-held beliefs offend me.

3. 

I only agree with you because you're hot.

4. 

You're terribly wrong, but I'm sick and tired of finding research that proves you wrong.

5. 

I'm desperate for more attention.

6. 

Send me nude pictures.

7. 

The age disparity in your relationship disturbs me.

The Morning Bad Webcomics Routine

Every morning I get up (i.e. hide in bed with a web browser), and check my usual websites.  

I check the New York Times for News.  I check CNN for Sensationalist Hype That Looks Like News.  I check Facebook because I'm an old fart.  I check DOMAI, because I'm a dirty old fart.  I check my book's page on Amazon because I'm a narcissist.  I check Twitter to remind myself that everyone else is a narcissist, too.

Then I check a small set of webcomics that I really don't know why I check anymore.  Some men can't explain to their wives why they don't throw out their "little black book" after they stopped dating or stop following the Cubs after their last winning game in 1870.  I can't explain to my wife why I don't stop checking these comics since they stopped being funny.

Maybe you can explain it to her.  Here's what I read (in the order I read it):

PVP

PVP was once one of the funniest comics I'd ever read.  It was about a bizarre bunch of journalists and their adventures covering the game industry.  Everything that happened to them was hysterical.

Then, sometime around 2006, something went wrong.  I really can't tell you what.  The story became about the characters who became boring.  More characters were added, but they were just as uninspired and flat.

Now, I just check the comic, but I never laugh.  I just, sorta, sigh and remember when it made me laugh... Back in 2001.

Sinfest

Sinfest started as a wildly offensive comic.  God ridiculed people with hand puppets.  Satan tempted men with sexy demons and robot slave girls.  It featured a sexist boy and the (vapid) hot girl he pined for.  Sinfest had always been a guilty pleasure, allowing me to laugh in secret at things I'd disdain in public.

Then, one day, the creator found feminism.  Don't get me wrong, feminism is a wonderful thing, it's just not... Sinfest.  Suddenly, a group of feminists on big wheels rushed through the comic, dominating the strip, criticizing the characters and forcing them to become enlightened.  The hot girl became the dull,androgynous, feminist girl.  Satan's sex robots went on a rampage against him.  

In short, every single comic became about fighting the patriarchy.  Every. Single. One.

And there's only so often you can tell the same joke.

Calvin and Hobbes

I still check Calvin and Hobbes.  However, the creator hasn't created a new strip in 20 years, so it's starting to get... Old.

Bloom County

Bloom County was the first strip I loved.  It was the first comic I bought in book form.  It's also the first comic I said "Wow, it's just not funny anymore" about.  Maybe Gary Hart and Dan Quayle jokes just don't hit home.  Maybe Opus was funny in the 80s, but in the (What do we call this decade?  The teenies?  The 10s?) current decade, he seems kinda pathetic.

Questionable Content

I came across this comic by chance and used to use it as an example to my class about how practice makes your art go from mediocre to awesome.  Seriously: check out his first comic and his most recent.  All that improvement came from drawing a little every night.

QC used to be about sexual tension and silly situations (and the occasional obscure joke about music I didn't get).  Then sexual tension disappeared.  The characters mindlessly followed their dead-end jobs and repeated the same situations over and over.

So, those are my comics.  What do you think?  Should I drop them?  Hope they'll change?

I Fucking Love Humans

In case you haven't heard, I Fucking Love Science is making a jump from Facebook to television show, following in the footsteps of the Twitter account Shit My Dad Says.  For those of you who don't follow IFLS, it's the creation (pun intended) of science student Elise Andrew who posts pictures like these:

Since I've followed her for a couple years now, I've decided to rip off legally parody her work on my new Facebook group: I Fucking Love Humans.  Every day, I will post fascinating pictures about the fascinating lifestyles of those most fascinating creatures: humans (fascinating).

Some examples:

For our cosplayer friends (of which I have none):

And for those of us who went to school in Wisconsin:

I expect to start my Facebook account three weeks after I get the cease and desist letter from Ms. Andrew.